By Ricey Wild
News From Indian Country Feb. 2010
 In the whole history of humanity I believe that there are only three things that all human beings will definitivley experience; birth, death and breaking up with someone. Today after much sobbing and heartbreak, I broke up with the Minnesota Vikings. I tossed all my worn out assorted items with the Vikes logo; stuff like my beads, my shirts, my chip plate and even my beer coozie away, I know! If I coulda driven down to Winter Park I would have burned all of it on the front lawn. That will show them, ay? Sadly, I even painted my nails purple and gold. Now I got only two fingers left for them just so the message is very clear.
In other news I just read that Pope John Paul II practiced
self-flagellation in secret. Poor guy, why would he beat himself up
when there are plenty of evil, sick minded people who will do it for
you? I’m just saying that there is enough misery in our world. Pope
John Paul II is on the fast track for “beatification.” In my opinion
they need a new word for that.
The reason I am writing about the above news is that I am adding some
specific items to my New Years’ resolutions because this year we
finally welcome 2010!!! Yay! My youthful heart and hopes still spring
eternal, except for the MN Vikings of course. It was like I was in an
abusive relationship; your 44 partners sez they are gonna get their act
together, “really really baby! I mean it this time!” There comes a time
when it is disgustingly, glaringly obvious that, well, they just suck
and always will. Well, most intelligent people see whats in front of
they’re eyes. Some of us “get it” and others don’t. Hai! Which
brings me back to my original idea for this column. Ah-hem!
Following are my 2010 New Years resolutions:
1. I refuse to be anyone’s victim anymore at all forever.
2. I will trust that the truth will out and justice be administered.
3. I will sleep as long as I can and still make it to my appointments on time, thanks to my natural beauty.
4. I will thank my neighbors for leaving me alone, when they finally do. (Not you Lenore!)
5. I will stretch out more often, not just when I step on a dog bone in the night and fall down.
6. I will eat what I want whenever I want, just not so much.
7. I will not yell at my cat Horus’ meowing for his can of food. It’s his only joy, except me, and treats.
8. I promise to spend less time on Facebook. BTW ya’ll I don’t give a $#*% about your farms or Mafia wars. Spare me plz!
9. I will choose my friends much more cautiously, unless you are on Facebook.
10. I will become more ME and not apologize to anyone for it.
Now see? All this is doable, totally. Especially the part about
becoming “more me” yanno? I ecourage all of you, who are reading this
column right now, to become more “You.” There are a lot more
compassionate, good and thoughtful people in this world than
sociopathic evildoers, so becoming “You” does not mean exposing YOU as
mean, ignorant or petty, oh no no no! What I’m saying is that we all
have a greater purpose no matter what Rezberry, USA, formerly known as
Turtle Island you currently call home.
In that I reluctantly include all the current occupants whose ancestors
immigrated from whatever Old Smelly Ass Country they come from,
willingly or not. I get that now. Wa’ll...sorta. Also in the news this
day whatever “right now” is, theres an Associated Press story that
genuine Scottish “Haggis” may become available in the USA!!! I can’t
wait, for sure becuz we don’t have enough questionably packaged meat
here at all, yanno? Spamalicious? Tube steaks? Assorted unknown livers
anyone?
Now, here is me being true to my NY resolutions.
Do plz correct me if I’m am mistaken, how can anyone condemn American
Indian Tribes for consuming FRESH BLOODY (rabbit or bison) meat on the
kill? (MMM! Warm beating heart!) No wonder our warriors laughed at the
occupying nations. As far as I know the only meat your men could
successfully hunt and kill was big, fat dumb sheep. And they came to
you. Enough said. Talk about fast food.
Whoa! I did not mean to go there, but I did. In my extensive research
and studies I have proof that, not only did we American Indians
absolutely originate from these North and South continents, but we ate
up all the dinosaurs along the way! That is the reason we emigrated
East into Asia and Europe via the Bering Strait, we got hungry. True
story.
It’s like my Unk Gene always said, “It ain’t easy being Indian...but we
do like the taste of fresh blood.” Okay, fine! I said that.
Vegetarianism is boring and untasty. Ick.
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 Quote this article on your site1. Written by Dr. Dan Moran, on 10-03-2010 12:16
Ricey,
I am a first year convert to 'Vikingsism" and can't begin to explain the joy I've experienced watching my all-time favorite QB, Brett Favre, even if he is wearing that ugly purple!! By the way, he will return, and this time they win it all! I guarantee it!!! Like you, I too packed my "stuff" away. 50 years of Packer memorabiliah!! How about giving them one more chance? They'll love you for it!!
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2. Written by Paul BRODERICK, on 02-03-2010 12:45
I was born in one of the Old Smelly Countries, you do not know of our ways.
Your Viking items should be placed into a knorr (ship) and pushed out to sea, then flaming arrows are shot into it, the floating pyre will send smoke up to Valhalla where the Einherjar will smile. 
It aint easy being ennybody!
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