It ain't easy being Indian... (January 2013)

By Ricey Wild
News From Indian Country
Okay! Okay! Okay! You done yet? Quit laughing now. I have a column to write here. So my Alien prediction did not happen...or did it? Well we'll never know for sure. Most people prob'ly aren't ready for them anyway, specifically the ones who believe in divine (?) selection.

Now that we have that out of the way I wish yooz all a very Happy New Year. I would share my resolutions list with yooz but lately I look to Facebook posts for inspiration and wisdom. Thanks to Facebook posters everything has already been said and done. How one feels is just one click away for the rest of your 'friends' to see. I think thats way better than posting cryptic passive/aggressive status updates Danial. Whoops! I mean those of you who do know who you are!

My purpose this year is to lobby for a new law to be enacted that the entire world's population watch at least one kitten or cat video per day. After watching those no one can be crabby or mad. More cat videos can be prescribed for the individual sociopaths, tyrants, warlords and republicans as needed. Thus, the much misunderstood felinus domesticus will save the world. Your Cat: 'Now go open me a can of gourmet cat food to show your appreciation. And can you get to the litter box too? Oh thanks. Now leave me be whilst I record another adorable video. Action!”

This past month Rezberrians' got a long overdue payment from the U.S. Government regarding the Nelson Act. I was so happy for a few extra bucks, but I cannot help but feel it came too late for those who waited lifetimes for their money. Its not like survivors guilt if there is such a thing, its just that I know what its like to wait for checks in the mail. Geez that must have sucked. My Gramma told me that she and her mother once got checks for three dollars and that at the time it was a lot of money. I know, right?

But on to happier thoughts, I read that when the Lower Brule Sioux got their Cobell Settlement checks they stampeded to the local bank and while waiting in lines the bank floor sunk two feet!!! Just think, all those commod bods in one place! I'm still laughing. I think I hear a new “49” song in the making, are you listening all you crazy, creative, irreverent Indians? Give me a holler if you come up with something. I can't do everything myself. JK.
Some exciting news! I, your own Ricey Wild, am going to be included in the Encyclopedia of Humor to be published this year by Sage Publications. My column will be in the Indian Humor section and will say something about how I'm a funny Native woman columnist and one of the few. Picture me smiling just big. Usually I am but a humble lass, not one to jingle my bells for all to see but this! I hope I get a complimentary copy which I will haul everywhere with me. I plan to use my new clout to get a better table at, say, The Wolves Den in Minneapolis when I visit.
Shoot. I'm going to be impossible to live with now, but I'll crash to Earth when I still have to get up to go to work. Hai! Oh well, fame has its price. Ayyyyy!!!! btw-I'm seeking a wealthy sponsor so I can pursue my bliss with a writing career. Ay! Don't I wish! I am a Wild Thing, not to be tamed. When I saw Micki Free in Rezberry and he sang that song I liked it even more than 'Foxy Lady' which he dedicated to me. Oh! I mentioned that before? My badness. ;D
Now I feel obligated to write something humorous. Ahem! Let me see now...hmmm, no, not that...lemme think here. What do they call an Indian with one leg shorter than the other? NOT EVEN!!! Get it? Not even? Sad! I'm just playing with yooz. Actually I'm only ever one gusty laugh away from a tear. Funny, I just now thought how one produces tears laughing or crying. Either way there must be something in us that just has to get out.
Before I reluctantly change my Christmas jammies into Rez clothes and go get the papers and a chicken to make soup I have to mention my beloveds birthday. Happy Birthday Scott Sayers! Alas! We are star-crossed lovers, always yearning but our love was never meant to be.... Its not because I'm a few days older than you (like 665 days) or that we are not compatible. It's me, not you! I'm a jaded, cynical older female with nothing left to lose and believe me you don't wanna be in my way. Big, wet puppy kiss! Slurp! Slurp!