Never ever learn how to make Fry Bread

If you do you have to commit....

By Ricey Wild
News From Indian Country

I’m just full of love for everyone. Today I put some tobacco down and thanked the Creator for all the good things in our world. For continued good health for my people and our collective Native culture that endures. I feel so optimistic that I just may stop being so negative about our current U.S.A. miz-administration headed by Cheney & Co.

Hah! Nah, I ain’t going that far, they still seriously suck into their deserved infamous footnote in history, but I am still gonna send them a big ole hug anyway. If they stop breathing, well hey, they went out happy, ennit?

And happiness is so much more than they deserve. (All that money they stole.) But it is a new year and being such, we have another chance to make things right. (Snort!) Hee hee hee! C’mon, you had to see that coming! I mean really, there is this pink Republican dude, a rabid Christian, whom advocates that females should act in a subservient role to men?! Better yet, his name is “Huckabee.” No, I did not make that up. Should this moral jokester win I will immedately secede from the Unitied States of America.

Now why does that make me think I’ve heard that before? OH YEAH! Some scruffy, obscure Indian named Russell Means and a couple of other Indians did exactly that, secede from the Empire aka the Big Bad Ole USA I mean. Been in the papers a little. Interesting concept.

Now, if they claim independence, how do they suppose they are gonna be able to collect their commods? Or continue to be able to live in HUD housing? I totally understand the ‘greater’ message and I see that the Great Indian Wars are not over by a long shot. Some Mexican comedian on Comedy Central said something, and I paraphrase, that we Indians did not fight hard enough to beat out the invaders. Hay Hombre! Whose language are you speaking now? Don’t even try to come at us like that... but I digress.

Back to my love for everyone. I gotta ground myself for this column. Being a New Year, we are all supposed to make “resolutions” which will apparently make us as individuals less miserable and fat. For ourselves or for others, it’s up to you, maybe both is best. At any rate I have been pondering upon my personal flaws and they are many. One of them is deliberately provoking people but then hey! That might also be a good thing. For me anyway. I do so enjoy a good healthy chuckle. Do it, I dare you! Challenge me!

Well, there goes one of my new year’s resolutions already broken. Hai! I better make some more that I can sorta possibly maybe keep. Like, okay, here’s one!

1) Never ever learn how to make FryBread. If I do I have to commit. To an intimate personal relationship. No no no! (check)

2) Stay under the Rezberry Copz radar! If I must behave... sorta... (check)

3) Be nice (check) yooz have no idea how I can shred certain someonez!

4) Invite in-laws over so I can kick them out of my house. This can happen, or has it? (check) Oh I forgot. That was me.

5) Quit making resolutions (check)

Now where that got me only time will tell. All I know is that the Mayan Calendar ends in what? Four/Five years from now, give or take a month. I do not however, want anyone to panic. I heard from a trusted source that this particular calendar only went to December 21, 2012, and that there was another one that continues on. To what I don’t know. I will just trust him on this one. Yooz wit me?

Sigh! I gotta wrap this column up, if only to go on to the next one. I am starting a religious sect called “De-Nihilism.” Yup. My religion will believe in everything... like you don’t have to be “saved” to be saved. That what you do matters in the long run, in the end. There is no “coincidence” no “happenstance” and it all matters. As amazing and sad as things can be and are, the Creator meant it to be this way. I tell my own self this every day, and I cherish the statement.

My new religion is a really good cool one. I invite Yooz 2 join, and I won’t charge yooz 4 Nike shooz that may or may not have anything 2 do with Native people. Oh my goodnezz! I do love yooz, and I wish and hope the best 4 yooz. Even U John H. Merry New Year All!