Serious sunburn at the commod shop

It ain’t easy being Indian, but sometimes…

By Ricey Wild
News From Indian Country

I had to go get some commods today. The Commod office was way over-warm (freakin’ hot!) so I shrugged my winter coat off my shoulders. Darlene, who was helping me, turned around on her swivel office chair and said, “Wow! Where have you been?” “Florida,” sez I. It took me a minute to figure out that because I was wearing a short sleeve shirt with a low neck and had a serious sunburn with peeling skin and double tan lines, someone might just ask me what the heck?

Eeyup! That’s right. I was in glorious St. Pete Beach staying at the Don Cesar, a five-star hotel, on the Gulf of Mexico which sits upon a white sand beach that feels like walking in flour, being spoiled in fine luxury, and plus there was the daily grubbing on super fancy gourmet food.

This peculiar day, however, I’m eating government cheese and happy to do so. Believe-you-me I so appreciate the irony! Like I have said so many times before, this kind of stuff really does happen to me. No way can I make this up, oh no-no-no! It’s like me dear ole Mumz always says, “Feast or Famine, my dear, there is no in between,” well, at least not for we two.

So I won a trip to Florida. Just for being me and an incredibly amazing employee of the Risky Raccoon Kasino and Resort. For real though.

Not! It was the luck of the draw, and I do so thank the Draw, whomever you are! Yay! I say! That was way this past fall and at first it didn’t seem really real... like it was a fantasy vacation and not actually going to happen. Of course all my co-workers at the Golf Course were so J! (jealous) and if I knew what I know now I would have been too.

Rezberry’s Kasino (The Risky Raccoon and Resort) has many food vendors and this one, Sysco, happens to sponsor lavish trips every year for their best customers. And I, Mz Wild, was one of the lucky winners. My first question to me was like: who to take? Everybody I know wanted to go of course, but who should I bring? Which Indian would be the best choice to act up, party up and be able to hang in there with me? So I decided to have a “who can be the nicest to Kristine” contest and she might just might maybe bring you with, if yer nice enough. It worked out great for me, for awhile. Well, as it turns out it was no contest at all – I brought me dear ole Mumz Naomi who taught me all I know, and I will always blame her for that. Any rate, as things usually do, it all worked out for the best. My Mumz and me had the time of our lives.

Sometimes, but only sometimes it does get a wee bit easier to be Indian...

The Don Cesar is called the Pink Palace and is it ever. Pink all over. No joke, this hotel is a national landmark, with a staff very talented at bowing and scraping. I felt like a Saudi Princess or something. Oh yeah! About that, THE Chiefs of Defense were there meeting with “volatile” Mideast countries defense chiefs and their minions. At the very same time we were there. Yup.

The place was crawling with generals and camo/combat geared up soldiers and shady guys in suits with ear plugs who patrolled all the hotel’s hallways, trying to look really important. I bet you they had guns too. I just betcha, ay? We guests blearily woke up to black helicoptors buzzing around the resort like mosquitos, Navy ships with all their guns and satellites whirring, never mind the red, white and blue bombers that flew regularily over The Don Cesar.

I ain’t making this up. I didn’t know whether to feel safer or not. I was the first one to speculate that the United States of Spying had spooks in the hotel. According to an article in the TBO (Tampa Bay Online-February 2008) they infiltrated our Sysco group, pretended to be other tourists and also the hotel staff, etc, etc, etc... Now I’m thinking the pelicans were hooked up with radar too, just in case...

A military person told me “you are probably in the 2nd safest place in America, the first being the White House.” Of course I can’t name names for national security purposes. Yoww! Not that it actually made me feel any better.

At the time of this writing I am just back from a Redneck Bi-Polar Wedding, which of course deserves its own column. Sheez I have a lot of fun! I am so tired, and most folks are like “oh-poor you!, just back from Florida and now celebrating your best friends wedding!” Yeah, it ain’t easy being Indian, no, but sometimes you just do what you gotta do!